Discernment Counseling

Sometimes couples come to a point where they are no longer asking, “How do we make our relationship better?” The more immediate question is whether they are willing to continue trying at all.

One partner may be considering ending the relationship while the other desperately wants to repair it. Repeated conversations about what to do can leave both people feeling pressured, defensive, or increasingly confused.

Discernment counseling provides a structured process for couples who need clarity about the direction of their relationship before deciding whether to begin couples therapy.

Discernment counseling is not traditional couples therapy. The immediate goal is not to repair the relationship or solve longstanding problems. Instead, the focus is on developing a clearer understanding of what has happened in the relationship, each person's contribution to where things stand, and whether there is enough willingness to attempt meaningful change.

Because partners may enter the process with very different levels of commitment to the relationship, discernment counseling includes both conversations together and time spent individually with each partner.

Neither person is asked to promise that the relationship will continue.

The process helps couples thoughtfully consider three possible directions: maintaining the relationship as it currently exists for the time being, moving toward separation or divorce, or committing to a period of couples therapy in which both partners make a genuine effort to work on the relationship.

The goal is not to convince someone to stay or to leave. It is to help both people reach greater clarity and confidence about the decision they are making and better understand what brought the relationship to this point.

Even when a couple ultimately decides not to remain together, understanding the relationship more clearly can matter, particularly when children, shared family relationships, or years of history will continue to connect them.

When couples decide to work on the relationship, discernment counseling can also create a more useful starting point for couples therapy by identifying the patterns and individual changes that will need attention.

Kristin Katz, LCSW, received training in Discernment Counseling from William J. Doherty, PhD, who developed the model at the University of Minnesota. She provides discernment counseling for couples who are uncertain about the future of their relationship and need a thoughtful, structured process for determining what comes next.